托福写作22分飞跃30分案例分析_【大象精英】

大象汪娟老师希望通过考生课前托福作文和课后作文的对比分析点评，读者能够认识到自己托福写作中存在的问题，以及如何针对自身问题进行治疗，最终写出满分作文。...

学生来大象前遇到的困惑：

* 老师，我感觉自己作文写得挺好的，都写了600多字，还检查了3遍，怎么作文只拿22分?

* 老师，我感觉自己写得特别好，考官脑袋进水了，只给22分，我表示不服，结果复议以后给了我20分！！！

* 老师，我是不是拽几个高难词汇和几个特别长的句子就能拿高分啊？

* 老师，我是不是要把每种类型的作文题目都写一遍就能拿高分啊？

* 老师，我是不是要每种类型的作文准备几个例子就能拿高分啊，您给我准备写例子呗。

一、写作课前考生作文呈现及教师点评

Question:

Do you agree or disagree?

Children should learn to manage their own money at a young age.

In today's society, managing one's finances is a key component of living an independant, successful life. Skills should be taught and practiced at an early stage of life, if one desires to master them when s/he reaches adulthood. Learning to manage money taught children to appreciate, develop the children's interest in capitalism, and prepare them for the cruel competitions in the society.（汪娟老师点评：后面的内容好像没有沿着这个展开）

Earning money is no joke, managing money is even more demanding（汪娟老师点评：这是主题句吧，后面的内容好像没有沿着主题句展开啊）. Children will only know the hardships of their parents if they learn abut money management. because they would not have the faintest idea about expenditure unless they are actually controlling the money. Children who don't manage their pocket money usually spend a lot in a short period of time, this bad habit causes domestic issues when spoiled children complain about the lack of avaliable cash. If the youth are taught in a proper way, they would plan and spend wisely. They would know when to purcase, when to save, when to invest their money. Thus, they would have a basic understanding on where their parents get all that money, they would see that how hard it is to live happily while not spending all they have. Children need to know that they can only spend if they work hard and spend every penny with caution.

The ability to manage one's finances comes with other positive effects, such as good work ethics and effciency（汪娟老师点评：后面的内容没有解释论证道这个主题句呀）. Children who manages their own money step into the capitalist world eariler than those imbeciles who don't have a clue where all their pocket money go. Children would learn to work hard if they wish to earn more and increase the quality of their lives. They would naturally seek a way to earn more pocket money. （和上句缺乏过渡）I washed sheets and clothes for my parents, and earn my pocket money instead of simpling taking what they give me. I learned that one can only savor the fruit of his own labor because in the cruel, real world there is no windfall, no free lunches. I became obessed with how economy works, how people start their enterprises and make more money with the limited resources they already have. I invested my pocket money in the stock market and earned a fortune. That is what learning to manage money can do to children, it sparks their interest and usher them into the interesting world of economy and capitalism（汪娟老师点评：怎么又说到这个点了？不是要回到主题句吗？）.

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Children definitely need to learn about finance management, because knowing how to work around your ledger is the premise of success.Learning to manage money teaches one to appreciate the parents, develop one's interest in modern economical system and it prepares one for the various adversities one will surely encouter in the future.

二、学生写作问题诊断

1.中间段的分论点和开头段的主论点没有保持一致；

2.中间段的例子不够具体，没有跃然纸上的感觉；

3.有时会出现例子不能证明主题句的情况，也就是写跑了自己浑然不觉。

三、写作问题解决方案

1.中间段基本展开模式；

2.中间段主题句如何写；

3.解释主题句的四种思考方式；

4.举例的两种方法；

5.结尾的两种写法；

6.句间关系讲解。

四、写作课后效果呈现

Question:

When you visit a new place, do you prefer to participate in a tour guide or explore by yourself?

Travelling has become one of the most popular ways for people to spend their holidays. It is no wonder that people begin paying more and more attention to the efficiency and quality of different trip forms. Whether participating in a tour guide or explore a new place on one's own is being hotly debated. Personally, I think joining in a tour guide brings more advantages.

汪娟老师点评：开头两句话做背景铺垫，进而引出话题，最后自己表明立场认为去一个新地方要跟导游，结构非常清晰。

Firstly, the trip with a tour guide is more convenient. Tour guides, with the help of travelling organizations, usually book the hotels, purchase the tickets and plan the itinerary for the whole travelling group. The burden, anxiety and problems one will face and experience if he or she is travelling alone then do not exist. Take my parents as an example. Last summer, they planned a trip to Thailand to spend their Spring Festival and decided to prepare all on their own. However, on their arrival at the Bangkok airport, they found themselves unable to deal with even the most trivial things. Because of language problems, my father spent half an hour explaining to the taxi driver the location of their hotels. They did not know how to get to certain restaurants and on their way back, they always got lost. The insomnia and overpressure my parents suffered for several days forced them to join in a local foreigner travelling group. To their surprise, the friendly and warm-hearted local tour guide not only served as their translator, but also recommended plenty of historical sites which were truly worth visiting. Besides, he was adept at bargaining, able to save consumption for my parents. From this case, we can clearly see that the trip with a tour guide differs from that planned by one's own and is really convenient.

汪娟老师点评：中间段第一段第一句话直接指出需要导游的第一个理由是因为方便，进而解释导游为什么会带来方便，最后举了自己父母去泰国的例子来例证有导游会更方便，给考官很多细节信息，非常生动，有一种跃然纸上的感觉。

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Admittedly, some people prefer to explore a new place on their own and enjoy their achievements in successfully planning a trip. However, given that most of the individual travellers are likely to encounter great obstacles and difficulties, it is not wise to risk exploring on one's own. It is more favorable to participate in a tour guide, not only because tour guides make the trip more convenient, but also because they convey new ideas and knowledge to us during the trip.

汪娟老师点评：最后一段采用让步式结尾，先承认一下自己旅行也有好处，但是跟着导游有更多的好处，所以仍然认为应该跟着导游去旅行。让步式的结尾方式是表明作者思维缜密的一种好方法。。。。。接下来就是见证从22分飞跃到满分30分的时刻啦！