上帝基督祂

复活节受洗见证（四）

神既有丰富的怜悯，因祂爱我们的大爱，当我们死在过犯中的时候，便叫我们与基督一同活过来。（以弗所书2：4-5和合）...

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然而，神既有丰富的怜悯，因他爱我们的大爱，我们死在过犯中的时候，便叫我们与基督一同活过来。你們得救是本乎恩。（弗 2：4-5 和合）

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. (Ephesians 2:4-5 NIV)我不能具体数算究竟是在哪一天基督耶稣进入我的生命的，或许是从我出生的那天起吧。

我并不是出生、成长于基督徒家庭，但从记事时起，在我的内心深处就能时时感受到情感的强烈旋风。年幼时我并能完全理解那究竟是怎样一种情感，但现在看来，上帝的爱，恩典及灵已在我心深处浑然一体了。

从六岁起，我就有了祷告的概念。六岁的我会为诸如在夏令营里赢得标牌这样的事而祷告，然后会为因此而来的奖品等向上帝献上感谢；十二岁的我会祷告上帝请祂修复友情、在祂那里寻求安慰和放松。十三岁时我被一位好朋友带到现在这个教会，那时我常躲在这个浸礼池里玩捉迷藏，一点儿也没想到这里正是六年后的我将要受洗的地方。

进入高中后，上帝被我置于脑后。我实在是太忙了，忙碌于各种学校、课外活动、小时工、义工及钢琴课等，甚至很少有足够的睡眠。我花越来越少的时间与上帝建立关系，上帝被我推得越来越远，我越来越习惯于远离上帝的“舒适”生活......人往往是在生命中发生重大变故后才会重新将他们的生命向基督敞开，以下就是发生在我身上将我重新带到上帝面前的故事。

在我高中的最后一年，我的心理健康受到了损害。或者是由于脑部化学物质的失衡、或者是源于压力、或者二者兼具，总之我变得极度抑郁。在我与抑郁的抗衡中，我对上帝非常地生气。我想，如果上帝真的爱世人，为什么祂不爱我？我怎么能够爱一个每晚让我哭着入睡、让我如此痛苦、让我如此无助、甚至每时每刻想要结束自己生命的的上帝？在挣扎中我试图去寻求上帝、试图去爱上帝......

我的情况继续恶化。2014年3月我最终被送进了急救室，因为我试图以结束自己的生命来逃避眼前的无尽黑暗。在医院急救室走道里独自等待的48小时里我体会了什么是真正的孤独。朋友们不在那里，父母不在那里，而医生和护士也并不在意。当我的状况有所好转后，我被允许离院与家人共度一个周末。那个周日，我的父母把我带回到教会。那是好几个月以来我第一次踏进教堂。我陷在我的座位上，就在牧师开始他的讲道时，我感到了一束光照在我身上。长久以来我第一次微笑了，因为我知道那不是普通的阳光，那是上帝之光。

那晚入睡之前我流下了羞愧的眼泪，我为自己过去远离上帝而羞愧。那时我所能做的就是祈求上帝的原谅并且重新踏上与上帝的和好的旅程。我将自己完全交托给上帝，由祂他来引导我走出黑暗。那以后，我常常地向上帝说话，更重要的是留下时间聆听上帝对自己说话。如今我明白了，并不是上帝在那段黑暗的时期抛弃了我，而是我自己离开了祂。我只是在对祂述说却从来不聆听祂对我的话语。

今天，我依然在重建自己与上帝的关系中，这将是我一生的功课。我正以全新的眼光看世界；身边的人不再是普通人而是我在基督里的弟兄姐妹；我正学习以上帝爱我的方式来爱他人......这些都是基督耶稣在我生命中所带来的改变。前面还有很长的路要走，但我坚信上帝会一路带领我。

Allie姊妹

I can’t put my finger on the exact date that I accepted Jesus Christ into life, but it may as well have been the day I was born.

I wasn’t born into a Christian family nor did I grow up as a Christian, but as far back as I can remember I’ve always felt a whirlwind of strong emotions in my heart. As an infant I couldn’t quite comprehend what the feeling was, but looking back to it now, I suppose it was a mixture of love, God’s grace and simply the holy spirit resting inside of me.

At age 6 I grasped the concept of praying to God. Six year old Allie prayed for things like winning the next round of tag at summer camp, then later thanking God for my win and the prize I had received. At age 12 I continued to pray, only 12 year old Allie asked God to mend friendships and looked to him for reassurance and relief. At age 13 I was brought to this very church by a close friend at the time. I used to play hide and seek during my time here and often hid in pool where baptisms took place. Little did I know, I’m here again 6 years later for my own baptism.

When I entered high school, God took a backseat in my life. I was just so busy. Between school, my part-time job, numerous extracurricular activities,volunteering and piano lessons, I barely even had time to sleep much. I spent less time to build a relationship with God. As I pushed God further and further away, I grew more and more comfortable with leaving God in the background.

Usually it takes a pretty significant event in an individual’s life for them to accept Christ into their life. This is the story of the significant event in my life that lead me to reaccept God back into my life.

In my last year of high school my mental health deteriorated. Perhaps it was triggered by a chemical imbalance in my brain, or triggered by stress, or maybe even a mixture of both but I became extremely depressed. During my battle with depression, I couldn’t be more angry with God.I would think, if God so loved the world then why doesn’t he love me? How could I love someone who lets me cry to sleep every night. How could I love someone who would let me suffer through so much pain. How could I love someone who would allow me to feel so hopeless as I considered taking my life every waking moment of every single day. I was struggling to find God and struggling to love God.

My condition continued to worsen and in March of 2014 I was admitted into the emergency room at the hospital because I was determined to end my life and finally escape the darkness I had been living in. I didn’t truly understand what loneliness felt like until I was alone in the hallways of the hospital emergency wing for over 48 hours. Myfriends weren’t there, my parents weren’t there, and the doctors and nurses who were there couldn’t have cared less. When the doctors finally began to see some improvements, they let me leave the hospital for a weekend to spend time at home with my family. That weekend my parents took me to church on Sunday. It was the first time I had stepped foot into church for months. I sunk into my seat,and as the pastor began his sermon, I felt a beam of light shine upon me. Then for the first time in a long time I smiled because I knew that it wasn’t sunlight but it was God’s light.

That night before I went to bed I shed tears of shame. I felt ashamed of the way I had pushed God out of my life. All I could do at that point was ask for forgiveness and embark on a new journey to rebuilding my relationship with the Lord. I let God’s light guide me throughthe darkness. I spoke to God regularly, but what’s even more important than that is leaving time for myself to listen to God. You see, God never abandonedme in my time of darkness, I abandoned him. I would speak to God and never listen.

Today I still continue to work on building my relationship with God,and it’s going to be an ongoing process throughout my life. Now I see the world in a new light. I no longer see people as people but my brothers and sisters in Christ. I try to love the way the Lord has always loved me. That’s just a few of the changes Jesus Christ has instilled in me. I still have a long way to go,but I know that God will get me there.

Sister Allie

愿我们共同以自己生命的更新变化来见证我们的神，欢迎大家踊跃分享神在自己生命中的奇妙作为。

邀请弟兄姐妹登录教会网站http://www.miltoncbc.org/灵修分享.aspx查阅历年来所有见证读经分享。

个人见证分享请发往张楠弟兄邮箱 peter_n_z@yahoo.com 。