学霸频道雅思写作修改示范：从5分到7分

雅思写作的修改需要从语法修改（常见20种语法错误），用词不准确（太大或者用错的词），审题（尤其是辩论型的to...



雅思写作的修改需要从语法修改（常见20种语法错误），用词不准确（太大或者用错的词），审题（尤其是辩论型的to what extent do you agree or diagree的题目），以及连贯性（逻辑展开的顺畅）。完全不考虑审题，不强调逻辑顺畅的修改都是耍流氓。



【作文题目】

Some people think parents should read or tell stories to their children, others say
it is not important and can be replaced by watching TV and movies instead. Discuss
both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays,an increasing number of people are concerned about how to nurture children better.( 像这样的套话，不建议写；因为越来越多的人关注不一定是事实) However, whether parents should be accompanied with children has caused
heated debate.（又是套话，写这样的开篇肯定是5分，而且你的套话也不准确，因为本题讨论的是采用什么方式来进行辩论，而不是父母是否要陪伴孩子，属于跑题的范畴）Some people think that the parents should read or tell stories to their children, but others state that children can watch TV and movies instead.（这个地方又抄题了，不能和题干一样，需要改写）From my perspective, I mainly agree with the former opinion for the following reasons.

这样的开篇就基本上确定是5分了。没有写题目的内容，都是套话，而且套的内容也不够准确。

First,it is true that today’s TV programmes are filled with different kinds of contents.（需要将中心句写的更加直接一些，直接说会产生好的或者坏的影响，而不是说有很多内容）This means that it will （因为是复数，所以前面要用they will）cause a bad impact on children.（既然写了bad impact ，就必须把bad impact的内容展开一下，才算一个完整的意群） Children have curiosity about everything at this age and they always imitate the actions from any ways they can contact. Therefore,it is a bad choice for children to watch TV and
movies instead.

（6分的作文要求将你在此处所写的bad impact稍微展开一下，而不是毫无展开，本段太空洞，没有回答题干要求）

Moreover,it（首句话不适用代词，因为我们不知道代词it指代的是什么？） can strengthen the ties between parents and
children.For example,parents are busy with daily routine, （逗号不能够连接2个完整的句子，该句是语法错误）they do not know how to become a good father or mother after
work（ working hardly）.I reckon that read or tell stories( reading or telling stories)  to their children is a ( 最高级前面要加the ,而不是a) best way to accompany with them.

That is not to say that children can not watch TV. (整篇文章没有很好的讨论读书的好处，而一直讲看电视的优缺点，是偏题的) Indeed watching TV can cultivate children’s
independent ability and it is a direct way to broaden their horizons,（逗号不能连接2个完整的句子）they can learn the knowledge that will not show up in
the textbooks.But the（不需要特指，因为泛指一般的家长） parents should filter the bad information（这个bad和information是不能搭配的，需要进一步喜欢展开一下，具体的不好的信息，才能得到高分） which
is not suitable for children.

In conclusion, the children’s growth（growing up） cannot
(be)  without parents’ accompany.It
is indispensable for parents to spend time in reading stories. Meanwhile, we
should not ignore the TV’s positive effects.(最好不要用“S的所有格形式，直接用positive
effects of TVS) By doing so we can (此处需要倒装：can we) sure that make a harmonious
environment for children.(最后一句是典型的口号式语言，建议删除)

 

整篇作文是5分。1，有多处语法错误，就注定不能得到6分。2，全文内容空洞，没有展开描写“读书”和“看电视”的具体的优缺点是什么？这是作文得分的关键。需要充分展开双边内容的作文才能有效得分。3，首段都是套话，没有准确引出话题。4，最后一段是口号，没有写处观点的总结。

编辑：Gracehy

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