人生孩子叙述

HnR 读书——想对孩子的未来负责，请先读懂自己

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▵ HnR为各位妈妈精心挑选并翻译育儿专家的书籍章节，

让妈妈们从根本理念上学会如何全方位得成为一个更好的妈妈。

今天的HnR为大家带来的是我们的好朋友 Dr. Tina Bryson 的《全脑教养法》节选。

当我们成人之后，各种生活繁琐和社会约束都使我们忘记了如何去认识自我，审视自我。但学会“自我认知”（Self-Awareness ）无论是对于我们的下一代或是我们自身，都是使我们走向更好人生的必经之路。

这段选节让HnR非常感动，也希望可以将这份感动分享给各位妈妈们。＊以下内容节选自《全脑教养法》、由 HnR 对翻译进行了一定校对。作为父母，生活中最重要的“我们” 就是你与孩子的关系。亲子关系对孩子的未来影响深远。不断有研究表明，如果父母能够持续、稳定地了解和敏锐地回应孩子的情绪和需要，那么无沦是在社交、情绪、生理甚至是学业上，孩子的人生都将更加璀璨。

The most important “we” in your life as a parent is the relationship you share with your child. That relationship significantly impacts your child’s future. Research studies have consistently shown that when parents offers repeated, predictable experiences in which they see and sensitively respond to their children’s emotions and needs, their children will thrive—socially, emotionally, physically, and even academically.

孩子会表现得更好，当然并不止是稳固的亲子关系。但会让人惊讶的真相是，到底是什么造就了稳固的亲子关系。这与我们的父母如何养育我们或者我们读了多少育儿书籍无关，我们如何理解自己和上一辈父母的关系、我们对孩子的需求的敏感程度才是孩子今后人生是否美好的至关重要的因素。

While it’s not exactly a revelation that kids do better when they enjoy strong relationship with their parents, what may surprise you is what produces this kind of parent-child connection. It’s not how our parents raised us, or how many parenting books we’ve read. It’s actually how well we’ve made sense of our experiences with our own parents and how sensitive we are to our children that most powerfully influence our relationship with our kids, and therefore how well they thrive.

这一切可归结为所谓的“人生叙述”，即当我们思考如何看待自己，回忆是什么造就了今天的自我，我们会怎样描述自己的人生故事。我们的“人生叙述”决定了我们对过去的感受、我们对他人(比如父母)行为动机的理解，以及我们对那些影响我们长大成人的事件的认识。如果我们对自己的“人生叙述”逻辑清晰，我们也就明白了我们的过去如何造就了我们今天的自我意识和行为。

It all comes down to what we call our life narrative, the story we tell when we look at who we are and how we’ve become the person that we are. Our life narrative determines our feelings about our past, our understanding of why people(like our parents) behaved as they did, and our awareness of the way those events have impacted our development into adulthood. When we have a coherent life narrative, we have made sense of how the past has contributed to who we are and what we do.

未经审视和理解的“人生叙述”会禁锢当下的我们，也可能导致我们用一种反射式的方式来养育子女，并且把这些早年伤害过我们的沉痛遗产传达给我们的孩子。打个比方，想象你的父亲有一个艰辛的童年，也许他的家庭是一个情感沙漠，他的父母在他害怕或悲伤的时候不去安抚他，他们甚至以冷漠疏远对待他，他只能独自承受人生的困难。如果你的祖父母不够关心你父亲和他的情绪，就会局限他回应你幼儿时期的需求。他甚至还有可能无法建立亲密关系；他可能很难对你的情绪和需要作出反应，当你感觉悲伤、寂寞、害怕的时候，只会直接告诉你“坚强一点”。以上提到的这些，都可能来自于他自己都意识不到的内隐记忆。坏消息是，在这样的环境下成长，当你为人父母之后，也可能会将同样的破坏性模式传递给你的孩子。

A life narrative that hasn’t been examined and made sense of may limit us in the present, and may also cause us to parent reactively ad pass down to our children the same painful legacy that negatively affected our own early days. For instance, imagine that your father had a difficult childhood. Perhaps his home was an emotional desert, where his parents didn’t comfort him when he was afraid or sad, and they were even cold and distant, leaving him to weather life’s hardships on his own. If they failed to pay attention to him and his emotions, he limited in his ability to give you what you need as his child. He might be incapable of intimacy and relationship; he could have difficulty responding to your emotions and needs, telling you to “toughen up” when you felt sad or alone or afraid. All of this might even result from implicit memories of which he’d have no awareness. Then you, as you become an adult and a parent yourself, would be in danger of passing down the same damaging patterns to your own kids. That’s bad news.

不过非常值得庆幸的好消息是，如果你读懂了自己的经历，理解了父亲的创伤和他在人际关系方面的限制，你就能打破这个传递痛苦的循环。你可以从反思这些经历以及它们对你造成的影响开始。

The good news, though—the better-than-good news—is that if you make sense of your experiences and understand your father’s woundedness and relational limitations, you can break the cycle of handing down such pain. You can begin to reflect on those experiences and how they’ve impacted you.

你可能会有冲动直接用与你的父母培养你相反的方式来养育你的孩子。但正确的思路是，开放地反思你与父母的关系如何影响了你。你可能需要处理那些在你无意识的情况下影响你的内隐记忆。找心理治疗师来处理这个问题会很有帮助，你也可以跟朋友分享这些经验。

You might be tempted to simply parent in a way exactly opposite of how your parents did it. But the idea, instead, is to openly reflect on how your experiences with your parents have affected you. You may need to deal with illicit memories that are influencing you without your realising it. Sometimes it can be helpful to do this work with a therapist, or share your experiences with a friend.

无论你怎么做，重要的是要清醒地认识你自己的故事，因为通过镜像神经系统和内隐记忆，我们会把我们的无论好坏的生活情绪直接传递给孩子。如果我们知晓孩子会承受和经历我们的体验，这个重要的体悟会激励我们去开始理解自己的故事，包括一切欢笑与泪水。然后，我们才能真正洞悉孩子传达的需求和信号，创建安全的依恋关系和坚固而健康的纽带。

However you do it, it’s important that you begin getting clear on your own story, because through mirror neurons and implicit memory, we directly pass on our emotional life to our children—for better or for worse. Knowing that our kids live with and through whatever we’re experiencing is a powerful insight and can motivate us to begin and continue our journey toward understanding our own stories, the joys as well as the pain. Then we can attune to the needs and signals of our children, creating secure attachment and strong and healthy connection.

研究显示，即使成人早年有并不美好的经历，也能像那些成长于稳固的、充满关爱的家庭中的成人一样，正确地养育孩子，让孩子感觉被爱，建立安全的依恋关系。无论什么时候开始，只要你开始整理你人生叙述的逻辑，你的孩子一定会从中受益。

Research shows that even adults who experience less-than-optimal childhoods can parent every bit as effectively, and raise children who feel just as loved and securely attached, as those whose home life was more consistent and loving. It’s never too late to begin working on your coherent life narrative, and as you do, your children will reap the rewards.

我们想竭力澄清的是:你早年的经历并不等同于你将来的命运。通过读懂自己的过去，你可以把自己从代代相传的痛苦和不安全依恋的中解救出来，并且为你的孩子创造养育和爱的遗产。

We want to make this point as clearly as possible: early experience is not fate. By making sense of your past you can free yourself from what might otherwise be a cross-generational legacy of pain and insecure attachment, and instead create an inheritance of nurturance and love for your children.

一起来期待下一期吧！

▵关于我们

我们是一群来自不同的行业母亲，却拥有相同的愿景。

过于碎片的网络信息和太多传统和错误的育儿理念让我们再也无法坐视不理。

我们将利用自己身边的专家资源替妈妈筛选最科学最专业的答案。

关注订阅号，提出关于你作为妈妈的困惑，我们尽心尽责搜罗全球专家网络为你解答。

因为你今天的问题，就会是许多妈妈们明天的问题。