读者来信：我推荐入职的同事却成了我的噩梦 双语哈评

改变你对别人的看法，要比改变他们容易得多。...

《哈佛商业评论》：

你的新同事(新同事)让你陷入了，一个非常棘手的情境。当你推荐某人在你的，公司工作时，你不仅押上了你的可信度，而且你希望能在工作中，拥有一个盟友。

但你并不孤单。克里斯·波拉特和克里斯·皮尔森的研究表明，98%的人在工作中遭遇，过无礼行为，而承受这种行为是有，实际影响的。一组研究人员研究了人们如何才能，不被粗鲁对待。他们指出，在工作场所被粗鲁，对待的人，会表现出较低的工作，参与度，更容易经历身体和心理，健康问题，并且更有可能因，筋疲力尽而辞职。然而这回避了一个问题：为什么我们要在工作中，容忍这种行为？这项研究的结果表明，当人们与老板关系密切，或表现出色时，他们就可以摆脱，粗鲁的行为。

那你现在可以做什么？任何冲突下，我的第一直觉就是试，着从别人的角度去思考。《如何在工作中快乐》一书的作者安妮·麦基说，当有人在工作中打扰你时，你需要有认知同理心(理解他人观点的能力)来“发掘你的好奇心”。问问你自己：是什么促使你的，同事这样做的？是她真的很令人讨厌吗？还是她想给别人，留下深刻印象？她想逃避没有认真工作的，事实吗？接下来又会发生什么？

你可能不知道这些，问题的答案，所以你应该考虑收集更多的信息，弄清楚办公室里的其他人是否和你，一样看待这个同事。人们可能会有类似的反应，但不会告诉你，因为他们知道你，推荐她入职的。

如果你发现她实际上很，受尊重，不要试图让每个人相信她，是个混蛋。相反，试着理解为什么别，人和她相处得很好，而你却不能。你们两人之间的气氛，有什么问题吗？你能做些什么来，改变你的行为吗？也许你需要更多，地为自己挺身而出，变得更加强硬。

例如，你可以漫不经心地、不带感情地把她，的东西放回她的桌子，然后和她说，“似乎你把东西落在我的，桌子上了。”如果她希望你接手她，的工作，你可以说，“不，实际上你需要完成它。这是你工作的一部分，不是我的。”一开始这么直截了当可能会让，你感觉不舒服，但是建立界限很重要，尤其是和不尊重你的人。如果积极地理解这些，事情会避免加剧冲突，可以假设也许是她不，小心把东西落在你桌上了？也许她不清楚那个项目是她，的工作的一部分？

在一篇关于同伴，责任的文章中，约瑟夫·格伦尼发现团队，的健康可以用“发现和讨论问题之间，平均的滞后时间”来衡量。滞后时间越短，问题解决得越快，解决得越好。滞后时间越长，不信任、功能障碍和更多有形成本，增加的空间就越大。因此，你可以考虑与她直接对话，尝试消除误会。卡罗琳·韦伯是《如何度过美好的一天》一书的作者，她在一篇讲述如何向强硬队友，提出棘手问题的文章中分享了五个步骤。在第二步中，她鼓励人们分享“真实的事实”——确切的、没有情感、解释或概括的东西。当你和你的同事交谈时，要具体说明发生了什么，以及这是如何让你的工作，变得更加困难的，然后问她如何看待，这种情况。

鉴于你在信中分享的内容，我怀疑这种谈话可能，不会顺利。那么你必须决定是否把这件事上报，给你的经理。当然如果你能自己，解决问题，而不需要你的经理介入，那将会更好。但是有些人非常关心，等级制度，只有当上级给他们建议时，他们才会改变自己的行为，这可能正好是，你同事的软肋。如果你确定去找经理，请列出你曾做过的尝试，并且计划好希望他帮忙，的地方。你认为他最好直接，和那个同事谈谈吗？根据你的描述，你觉得经理可能，不愿意参与进来。但是考虑到他要退休，其实有很大的回旋余地，去做一些事情。

如果你发现与同事和经理的谈话，都不能改变现状，你需要保护自己、改变心态。否则，这可能会吞噬你的内心，毁掉你的工作体验。顾问艾比·科诺-查韦斯在她关于同事的，文章中写道，“拥有你能拥有的，放弃你不能影响的，必要时做出改变。”希望这并不意味着离开你，的工作，而是试着建立界限，这样你就不必和她，一起工作，甚至是坐在她旁边。格雷格·麦克考恩也分享了一个，有用的框架，帮助人在不被隔离，的情况下设定情感界限。记住以符合你，价值观的方式行事，不要降到她的水平。

同时也要理解、调整自己。永远记住，改变你对别人的看法，要比改变他们容易得多。HBR:

This is a tough situation that your new coworker put you in. When you refer someone to work at your company, not only are you putting your reputation on the line but you’re hoping that you’ll gain an ally at work.

But you are also not alone. Research from Chris Porath and Christine Pearsonshows that 98% of people have experienced incivility at work. And there are real costs to being on the receiving end of this type of behavior. A team of researchers looked at how people get away with rudeness. They write, “People who experience workplace rudeness…report lower engagement, suffer more mental and physical health problems, and are more likely to burn out and quit their jobs. Which begs the question: Why do we tolerate this behavior at work? The results from the study show that people get away with being rude when they have a tight relationship with the boss or are high performers.

So what might you do now? One of my first instincts in any conflict situation is to try to think about it from the other person’s perspective. Annie McKee, the author of How to Be Happy at Work, says you need to have cognitive empathy (the ability to understand another person’s perspective) to “unearth your curiosity” when someone is bothering you at work. Ask yourself: What’s motivating your peer to behave this way? Is she really just obnoxious? Is she trying to impress other people? Is she trying to get away with not working? What could be going on here?

You may not have the answers to these questions so you should consider gathering more information and figure out whether others in the office perceive this woman in the same way that you do. People may be having a similar reaction and not telling you because they know you referred her.

If you find out that she is actually well respected, don’t try to convince everyone that she’s a jerk. Instead, try to understand why others may be working well with her when you aren’t. Is there something about the dynamic between you two that’s causing problems? Is there something you can do to shift your behavior? Maybe you need to stand up for yourself more, to be stronger and firmer.

For example, you could casually — and without emotion — move her stuff back to her desk and say, “It looks like you left your things on my desk.” Or if she expects you to take on her work, you can say, “No actually I need you to do that. It’s part of your job, not mine.” It may feel uncomfortable to be this direct at first but it’s important to establish boundaries, especially with someone who’s not respecting yours.

Assuming positive intent can help here so you don’t further the conflict. Maybe she left her stuff on your desk by accident? Maybe she didn’t know that project was part of her job? In this article about peer accountability, Joseph Grenny found that the health of a team can be measured by “the average lag time between identifying and discussing problems. The shorter the lag time, the faster problems get solved and the more the resolution enhances relationships. The longer the lag, the more room there is for mistrust, dysfunction, and more tangible costs to mount.”

Therefore, you might consider having a direct conversation with her to try to clear the air. Caroline Webb, author of How to Have a Good Day, shares five steps in this article on how to raise difficult issues with a tough teammate. In step two, she encourages people to share “true facts” — “the things you know for sure, stripped of emotion, interpretation, or generalization.” When you talk to your coworker, be specific about what’s happened and how it’s made your job harder. And then ask her how she sees the situation.

That said, given what you shared in your letter, I suspect that that conversation might not go well. Then you have to decide whether to escalate it to your boss. It’s always better if you can solve the issue yourself without your manager stepping in. But there are some people who care a lot about hierarchy and will only change their behavior when encouraged to do so from someone senior. This might be what your peer needs.

If you do go to your boss, be ready to list everything you tried to solve the situation yourself. And have a proposal for what you’d like them to do. Do you think it would be best if they talked directly to the person? It sounds like you feel like your boss may be hesitant to get involved but given that they are leaving, they might have a lot of leeway to actually do something and ruffle a few feathers because they’re on their way out the door.

If you find that the conversations with your peer, and with your boss, don’t change the situation, you’ll need to protect yourself and change your mindset. Otherwise, this is likely to eat you up inside and ruin your work experience. Consultant Abby Curnow-Chavez, in her article about dealing with a toxic coworker, says, “Own what you can, let go of what you can’t influence, and make a change if you have to.” Hopefully this doesn’t mean leaving your job, but try to establish boundaries so that you don’t have to work with her, even sit next to her. In this article, Greg McKeown shares a useful framework for how to set emotional boundaries without becoming walled off. And don’t stoop to her level — behave in a way that’s aligned with your values.

And have some self-compassion. Remember: it’s much easier to try to change your reaction to someone, than to change them.

艾米·加洛（Amy Gallo）是《哈佛商业评论》特约编辑。

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